If I don't write this down, I probably will just go bonkers, or worse. Don't think I've not thought of doing the eternal flight, but after my major breakdown just a few days ago, I'm trying to preserve myself. I'm still sad, still a loser and everything not nice.
School is still progressing really, super slow, but there are some good news after all. I might stay in KL or I'll go back to Penang. I'm fine either way. I just want to get on with my life. Appease my family, so that I can move on with my life quietly, and alone. If they see I can take care of myself, perhaps the idea of me not marrying won't be a shock to them. Because, that part of my life is done.
I miss him so much. Each time I go out, my eyes will seek him out, though I know that the possibility of a chance meeting is like 0.1% to none. I don't even know if he is still in Malaysia. But, I still seek him out. Each time I see someone like him, my heart drops, and each time, I die a little more inside when it's not him. I don't know why I do that. Even if it's really him, I probably would just look from afar. That's what I do lately. I love him from afar.
He's the first thing I look at when I wake up and the last thing I see before I fall asleep. He fills my prayers each day and night. All I ask from Allah is to keep him safe, happy and smiling. I've lost that chance to be his happiness, but I still want him to be happy wherever he is. With all my heart, I mean that. At least, I had a chance to love someone, even if I don't get to be with him.
It hurts.
But it's the only way I know how to survive. I can't fall in love anymore. That's my fatal flaw, the fatal flaw in my personality. When I feel, I feel wholeheartedly. So, when I'm happy, I'm really happy. When I'm angry, my whole body is angry. Thus, when I love, I love with all my being. He was a big part of my life. Five years wasn't a short time. 11 years has passed...
I love him still.
I can't love anyone else, I'm all used up. Loving someone, without hoping for anything in return is hard, really hard. But, I did it when I left matriculation, I can do it again. Allah will keep my heart strong for this test of mine. I won't ever stop praying to Him to bestow upon me a calm heart and a strong mind. Do I pray to Him about him? I do...
Mainly for his heart to soften and forgive me. I dare not ask for more. I have no right to ask that anymore. But, every night I pray that he's happy, safe and healthy, and that maybe one day, at least once, I get to see him from afar.
That would be enough for me to live my life. One last look, and a lifetime of memories...
He once told me :
One day, you will ask me, which is more important. My life or yours? And I will say that my life is more important. And you will turn around and walk away without knowing that my life, is you...
My life is you...
If only you knew.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Life is funny sometimes and not in a haha way
You'll never miss the water until it's gone.
I used to say that a lot, in regards with my relationship with my ex. Saying, no, convinced that he would miss me when I'm gone. Funny how that has become my anthem lately.
I've lost everything.
My life, my studies, my love.
Myself.
And when you are devoid of all the things you were once so proud of, it can break you. I'm broken... More shattered now than ever. I've found my rock bottom, and darling, it ain't pretty.
With only four posting to graduate, my college has gone under. The wondrous fiasco of AUCMS. Not to mention my constant delay because of my recurring health issues, and the incompetence on my college's part to properly handle my scheduling conflict. So, here I am, 29 years old and NOTHING to show for it.
Each of my effort to rectify this has been met with more obstacles. I don't know what god has planned for me. I'm too broken to see past all this. All I do each night now, is cry. I cry for myself, since no one else is crying for me. I cry because I feel so helpless. I've lost everything.
I don't know how to recover. I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. No one can cry each night without fail and NOT be depressed. Sometimes, I wish life would end. That way, my pain ends. But I can't be that selfish.
If you asked the 20 years old me if I thought this would happen, I would've laughed in your face. I took so many things for granted. My health, my youth, my smarts, my Shahril. Well, not mine anymore. My whole family is very supportive, especially my mum, but I feel so alone.
There's this ache in my chest that won't go away. It makes it hard for me to breathe. It makes it hard for me to smile. How I want to go back to the times when life was simpler. The time when I was a wide-eyed young adult ready to take on the world, with family, friends and the love of my life by my side.
Now?
I have NOTHING.
I took for granted the times I had it easy in class. I took for granted the time when professors praised me for a good presentation. I took for granted when I did really damn well in my fifth and sixth years.
I took for granted the simple texts. I took for granted the phone calls. I took for granted the safety his love gave me. I took for granted the feeling of not being alone even when you are thousands of miles apart. I took for granted hearing his voice.
I was an arrogant bitch.
Life has knocked me down a few thousand pegs. I am a shell of a human being, hollow and empty inside. My studies continue to lay in shambles and my Shahril has moved on, years ago. Turns out, I still do love him very much all this while, and I thought I was fine. There is nothing left for me anymore.
What am I to do? I pray. Each night, I pray to the Almighty to help me, to ease the burdens of my heart. I can't continue anymore. I can't go on anymore. All my hopes and my dreams have been shattered. I pray to Him to give me strength and courage to face this world. I ask from Him to set things right. I ask from Him the strength to continue loving him without any hope of my love being returned.
I want him to be happy - wherever he is, whatever he's doing and whoever he's with. I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Memories will keep me going..
If you happen to read this, I'm sorry. I meant what I said before. If you ever think of me, say a prayer for me. I don't know how long I can last...
I used to say that a lot, in regards with my relationship with my ex. Saying, no, convinced that he would miss me when I'm gone. Funny how that has become my anthem lately.
I've lost everything.
My life, my studies, my love.
Myself.
And when you are devoid of all the things you were once so proud of, it can break you. I'm broken... More shattered now than ever. I've found my rock bottom, and darling, it ain't pretty.
With only four posting to graduate, my college has gone under. The wondrous fiasco of AUCMS. Not to mention my constant delay because of my recurring health issues, and the incompetence on my college's part to properly handle my scheduling conflict. So, here I am, 29 years old and NOTHING to show for it.
Each of my effort to rectify this has been met with more obstacles. I don't know what god has planned for me. I'm too broken to see past all this. All I do each night now, is cry. I cry for myself, since no one else is crying for me. I cry because I feel so helpless. I've lost everything.
I don't know how to recover. I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. No one can cry each night without fail and NOT be depressed. Sometimes, I wish life would end. That way, my pain ends. But I can't be that selfish.
If you asked the 20 years old me if I thought this would happen, I would've laughed in your face. I took so many things for granted. My health, my youth, my smarts, my Shahril. Well, not mine anymore. My whole family is very supportive, especially my mum, but I feel so alone.
There's this ache in my chest that won't go away. It makes it hard for me to breathe. It makes it hard for me to smile. How I want to go back to the times when life was simpler. The time when I was a wide-eyed young adult ready to take on the world, with family, friends and the love of my life by my side.
Now?
I have NOTHING.
I took for granted the times I had it easy in class. I took for granted the time when professors praised me for a good presentation. I took for granted when I did really damn well in my fifth and sixth years.
I took for granted the simple texts. I took for granted the phone calls. I took for granted the safety his love gave me. I took for granted the feeling of not being alone even when you are thousands of miles apart. I took for granted hearing his voice.
I was an arrogant bitch.
Life has knocked me down a few thousand pegs. I am a shell of a human being, hollow and empty inside. My studies continue to lay in shambles and my Shahril has moved on, years ago. Turns out, I still do love him very much all this while, and I thought I was fine. There is nothing left for me anymore.
What am I to do? I pray. Each night, I pray to the Almighty to help me, to ease the burdens of my heart. I can't continue anymore. I can't go on anymore. All my hopes and my dreams have been shattered. I pray to Him to give me strength and courage to face this world. I ask from Him to set things right. I ask from Him the strength to continue loving him without any hope of my love being returned.
I want him to be happy - wherever he is, whatever he's doing and whoever he's with. I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Memories will keep me going..
If you happen to read this, I'm sorry. I meant what I said before. If you ever think of me, say a prayer for me. I don't know how long I can last...
Friday, September 21, 2012
Roots before branches
Its been too long since I've written anything remotely personal on this blog. As much as vlog or voice recordings might be trendy, I find I'm more insightful when I write. It's like my own session of therapy where I recall and try to find some healing in what I write.
I'm broken, inside... I might even be dead inside. What scares me the most is how utterly calm I am when I say that. Its like it's not even a shock to me anymore. Saying it out loud just validates how I feel inside. Been hurt so bad i guess.. by so many different people. Same story just different tune. I set myself up to be hurt i guess. I thought i'd let go of the past years ago but it seems, I keep holding on to it because some how it makes me feel. My pain validates my being alive. Nobody saw me through that pain. I guess I keep it close to remind me that i'm alive or at least, i was...
I thought I'm okay that I'm fine. But when I read something that pertains to my past, I cry. Buckets. The pain feels very real at that moment. Its like reliving the exact same moment when I first felt that pain. I feel like screaming and it feels like I have one last breath every time. I just don't know which one will be my last. I just want to run away. Go some place no one knows me.
How can start dreaming about branches when my roots are all rotten and dying?
I'm broken, inside... I might even be dead inside. What scares me the most is how utterly calm I am when I say that. Its like it's not even a shock to me anymore. Saying it out loud just validates how I feel inside. Been hurt so bad i guess.. by so many different people. Same story just different tune. I set myself up to be hurt i guess. I thought i'd let go of the past years ago but it seems, I keep holding on to it because some how it makes me feel. My pain validates my being alive. Nobody saw me through that pain. I guess I keep it close to remind me that i'm alive or at least, i was...
I thought I'm okay that I'm fine. But when I read something that pertains to my past, I cry. Buckets. The pain feels very real at that moment. Its like reliving the exact same moment when I first felt that pain. I feel like screaming and it feels like I have one last breath every time. I just don't know which one will be my last. I just want to run away. Go some place no one knows me.
How can start dreaming about branches when my roots are all rotten and dying?
Friday, October 28, 2011
It's 4 a.m.
It's 4 a.m. and I can't sleep. Would probably contribute it to my off sleeping schedule since last week but truth be told, I have a lot on my mind these few days. There's this listlessness inside me. That one nagging feeling that stands between me and utter bliss. Don't ask me what because I have no clue. I know... I know... It could just be me making things up but lately, my mind keeps wandering back to my past which I swore to myself is now in the past. I remember my past A LOT. Because I have a lot of sadness and pain there and pain is a great teacher. I look at my past not with anger or resentment now, but rather with a quiet acknowledgment that I was hurting there and the people that hurt me are those people that I love or loved.
What I feel now is what I describe as surrendering pain. You know that pain and realization that you don't have the juice or energy to go on even though you have been fighting so hard? That one moment of pain before you say, FUCK IT, I'm done? I feel that, every single day of my life. It's not that bad for me to want to kill myself but it's there nevertheless. Makes existing a hell of an annoying thing to do. I carry on with this fake countenance of calm and happiness. Well, not happiness... I don't laugh as much or even smile a lot anymore. There's this pain inside me... In the pit of my soul but I can't describe it nor can I tell anyone. Why? Because you don't know my family...
I can never get two sentences out about how I feel before I get shot down or my problems deemed not tragic enough to be paid some attention to. I feel lost... As if I'm only existing, rather than being alive... Everyone is so oblivious to the pain I have inside. So when I act out like I did a few months back, I'm deemed impatient or borderline crazy. I'm 26 years old and for the past 13 years of my life, I'm the only friend I have. You would say I would be the strongest person you know. You're right but sometimes, I need someone taking care of me. I guess I'm just tired... My soul needs a long overdue vacation.
I honesty cannot remember when I was last, truly happy. It's so true what people say, once you're touched by pain, you'll never be the same. I can feel myself closing up, being cynical. I am so tired of reaching out. Because most of the time the people I reach out to don't even notice I am trying to reach out to them. For once, I would appreciate it very much if someone would reach their hand out for me to grab... because Lord knows, I need it...
What I feel now is what I describe as surrendering pain. You know that pain and realization that you don't have the juice or energy to go on even though you have been fighting so hard? That one moment of pain before you say, FUCK IT, I'm done? I feel that, every single day of my life. It's not that bad for me to want to kill myself but it's there nevertheless. Makes existing a hell of an annoying thing to do. I carry on with this fake countenance of calm and happiness. Well, not happiness... I don't laugh as much or even smile a lot anymore. There's this pain inside me... In the pit of my soul but I can't describe it nor can I tell anyone. Why? Because you don't know my family...
I can never get two sentences out about how I feel before I get shot down or my problems deemed not tragic enough to be paid some attention to. I feel lost... As if I'm only existing, rather than being alive... Everyone is so oblivious to the pain I have inside. So when I act out like I did a few months back, I'm deemed impatient or borderline crazy. I'm 26 years old and for the past 13 years of my life, I'm the only friend I have. You would say I would be the strongest person you know. You're right but sometimes, I need someone taking care of me. I guess I'm just tired... My soul needs a long overdue vacation.
I honesty cannot remember when I was last, truly happy. It's so true what people say, once you're touched by pain, you'll never be the same. I can feel myself closing up, being cynical. I am so tired of reaching out. Because most of the time the people I reach out to don't even notice I am trying to reach out to them. For once, I would appreciate it very much if someone would reach their hand out for me to grab... because Lord knows, I need it...
Friday, August 5, 2011
I'm Moving On by Rascal Flatts
A song I found on YouTube while searching for Rascal Flatts. I took this song to heart. There have been so much crap in my life, I found myself dwelling a lot on the hurt i felt and continue to feel. It was high time i moved on. Not from a person but from the state that I was in. It will be a long process but I think change is the best way to go :)
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
It Has Been A While
I really haven't given this blog much time. Why? Cause I've started playing the Sims 2 again :P but seriously life has been so damn hectic. No, nothing productive. I am still waiting for my damn schedule to be sorted so I can finally finish my freaking degree. So what have I been doing all this time? Fattening myself up I suppose. With my daily regiment consist of lunch, TV, Internet and then more TV and internet and then dinner and then more Internet and then sleep and of course repeat.
But I am trying to finish my fan fiction, Unrelenting Love, the one I've left for months now, letting it collect virtual dust. But I am writing again :) Oh, it is also Ramadhan here. Which means I'm fasting and dieting all at the same time. I'm gonna have to cut out rice forever from my diet. Too bad considering I'm like Asian. I got by last week eating proteins only which consists of Chicken Schnitzel. That got boring pretty quick. I just avoid rice and eat other light things for fast breaking. Anyways, getting late here. I'll post more soon :)
But I am trying to finish my fan fiction, Unrelenting Love, the one I've left for months now, letting it collect virtual dust. But I am writing again :) Oh, it is also Ramadhan here. Which means I'm fasting and dieting all at the same time. I'm gonna have to cut out rice forever from my diet. Too bad considering I'm like Asian. I got by last week eating proteins only which consists of Chicken Schnitzel. That got boring pretty quick. I just avoid rice and eat other light things for fast breaking. Anyways, getting late here. I'll post more soon :)
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
The World Goes Round
Next voice blog. If anyone out there is listening, I hope my thoughts would inspire yours :)
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