Sick Again...

Hey all. It's the month of Ramadhan and it is when all Muslims fast, myself included. The first day was fun. We cooked simple dishes since only a few of us were home. The the next few days weren't so fun. I won't tell why but the it got fun again lol. We saw Avatar the Last Airbender then we when to the arcade. After that we all sang our hearts out at the karaoke center lol after prayers of course! My siblings were all home and it was fun. It has been a while since we had that much fun together.

Yesterday was my 25th birthday. A landmark I guess, for being a quarter of a century. Haven't done anything noteworthy as yet but I'm getting there. It was a fun/sickening birthday since I was indeed sick. Came down with strep and flu after that, fever. My body aches and my head is spinning. I feel terrible! But hey at least I'm here in my beloved Malaysia celebrating my birthday with friends and family. I love it!

I watched Julie/Julia again... Really want to start cooking again. I am a gourmet myself lol but not to the extend I'd rival Julia or Julie for that matter. But the idea of a Filet Mignon is swirling in my head... Too bad Malaysia doesn't have good butcher shops. I don't even know what kind of meat cut I'm supposed to use. I found one great recipe of the food network and maybe I'll try it tomorrow for break fast, if my fever breaks that is... *sighs...

One thing though... I'm 25 and I can feel age catching up to me. I'm slower and I get sick easier. It wasn't like that 5 years ago. Maybe I'm not taking care of myself properly. Thank god my mind is still kinda sharp. I don't know how I'm going to face my internship next year... God help me!

Some of my friends now have children, work full time, have their own house and cars... What do I have? Nothing yet. My dad pays for my car. He gave me my blackberry, my laptop and the amazingly large house we are currently living in.Yes, I have it good but I long for something that's mine. I do pay my own bills and gas. I know he keeps on asking himself when will I stand on my own two feet? Believe me dad, I ask myself that too. There have been bumps and cracks along my journey, delaying things for me. But one thing I have learned in my 25 years of age is that, good things come to people who wait and work hard. Honest people get rewarded generously and I would like to think I am one.

I don't have many friends. I don't make friends easily because most of them are fakes. They try to be friends with be with ulterior motives. I have a handful of trusted, cherished friends. Most of which I would gladly give my life up for. But my true treasure in this life, is my family... I love you guys forever! One other true spoil for me is that I love myself. Every inch of fat, bump, pimple, scar (which I have a lot of), gray hair (from all the stress), hair, skin, curve and bulge! Don't get me wrong. I'm not 400 pounds of anything. I'm a healthy size 14/16 and I love it!

What's not to love? I am alive and thanks to this balloon of a shell, I am here on earth, experiencing life and dreaming of Filet Mignon with a side of grilled baby potatoes, some asparagus with butter and for dessert perhaps Chocolate Pie!

To every 25 years old gal this year, it might be landmark but let it be about the triumphs you had this year! Be it something major like getting married or having a baby or something as simple as losing 5 pounds, it's a landmark and you should be happy and celebrating. Celebrate your life and life will celebrate you!

30 things to do before I turn 30

Here's me thinking out loud of the things I want to do before I turn 30...

1. Buy a house
2. Buy a nice car
3. Go for Haj
4. Buy another house
5. Preferably find a steady boyfriend
6. Meet Craig Parker, JK Rowling, Orlando Bloom, Ralph Fiennes, Daniel Radcliffe, Jake Gyllenhaal
7. Go to Paris
8. When in Paris, go to Eiffel Tower
9. Atop Eiffel Tower, shout I Love Khaireen!
10. Stay in New Zealand for a minimum of 2 years
11. Stay in London for a bit
12. Travel to Middle East
13. Eat all the Halal Fine Dining meal I can find
14. Climb Mount Kinabalu
15. Dive in Pulau Tioman
16. Make a documentary titled the Nasi Kandar Journey
17. Buy my mum her own house
18. Publish a book that actually sells
19. Perform live to an audience
20. Buy the all the extended version DVDs for all my favourite movies
21. Buy myself a diamond set
22. Visit all the 7 Wonders of the World
23. Dive in Australia beside the whale shark
24. Learn to Samba
25. Learn to speak French, Spanish, Italian and Japanese
26. Have my own clinic
27. Find a cure for some currently incurable disease
28. Go to Disneyland
29. Go to the new Harry Potter world
30. Go on the LOTR New Zealand tour

Obsession ~ Main Agenda for the holidays!

Finally! I have completed my junior cycle and now I am on break. It's been a while since I last wrote in here. But things are well. I feel great and I look great. No more second guessing myself and no more despair. I now have a more positive outlook on life and it shows I guess. There are still times, tears will fall, remembering the past and pondering the future. But hey, life goes on and so have I.

For the past month now, I have an enormous obsession for a certain LOTR actor, Craig Parker. Who is he? Well, he plays Haldir. The obsession started when I saw some clips of him with Mark Ferguson at RingCon. It was love at first sight! He is perfect! Charming personality, warm smile and one of the most beautiful specimen on earth. Then the OCD kicked in...

I surfed the entire WWW in search for anything that has to do with Craig. I've watched ALL his videos on YouTube and I even downloaded (legally of course) Legends of the Seeker. Now I actually watch Spartacus because he's in there. 

Why didn't I notice him before in LOTR? Well, perhaps I was not partial to blond elves, Legolas included. I was more of an Aragorn's girl lol. But now... Now it's a totally different story. I eat, sleep and dream Parker, Craig Parker. 

Look at him.. Can anyone be more beautiful...*sighs dreamily... I'm moving to New Zealand one day :D

I've also started my own Haldir fanfic because of this man. This is my worse celebrity crush to date. My heart flutters when I see him on screen.  What spell does he have over me? My wallpaper which I made is an homage to this great man. I am merely a distant admirer, falling hard for you. Will you even know I am alive?

On a more lighter note, I have started a movie marathon. I took the 100 AFI list of great movies and I am on the prowl to watch them all. So far, I saw Funny Girl, Benny and Joon and Don Juan DeMarco. Yeah..just three...which I found on YouTube.

Oh yeah, as of today... I have seen Lord of the Rings almost 65 times for the last two months, focusing more on the Fellowship just because Haldir was there... I know... I know... I need psychiatric help.

Also added to my life long wish and goal, I want to go to Bonn, Germany or Atlanta to go to either RingCon or DragonCon to meet the one and only Craig Parker. I'll need approx 10k of Malaysian Ringgit to be able to go there. Hopefully when I start working next year, I could go and see him in a year's  time.

Here's hoping....

Repressed Sickness

Repressed sickness? Really?

Well, all of you must think either i am suffering from psychosomatic pain or some sort of mental break down. But yes, repressed sickness.

Why repressed? Well, it seems like my 7 months medical leave was put to good use, where i was all healthy except maybe for my busted knee, no fever, food poisoning or migraine. That 7 months, after i could walk that is, I had some great holidays and even worked part time without getting sick.

Now when my health is supposed to be in top form, I've been having back to back illnesses. The second week entering my medical posting, i got food poisoning and a bad one. The next week, i contracted a bacterial infection from my sister, resulting in pharyngitis and fever. To top it up, i got drenched in the rain and ended up with a secondary viral infection. This week's chef's special would be migraine...

I think all these illnesses might be my body's way of telling me, it's not strong enough to fight off the world. Well, it might not be. Since, i think all the inner clockworks are messed up. Why messed up? Beats me...

Things are not fine. I have this anger festering in my heart for someone close to me, a family member so to say. The way that person have been treating me off late has been some what rage inducing. To think, i finally stopped ignoring this person just because it was childish.

I don't know. Maybe i'm being overly emotional and sensitive. But then again, i have always been that. I keep everything repressed until my body has to go through all the length to tell me that i'm repressed.

Enough talk about repression. Just finished watching Julie/Julia. Now, salivating over the idea of making myself some Bavarian Chocolate Cream. The idea isn't bad, but the approach will be since i am lacking in funds and the necessary crockery.

Oh well. It's 6 a.m. here and i now have a major stomachache. I should go to bed. Chiao!~

P/S : My favourite word today is  Boeuf Bourguignon

My pride and prejudice to myself...

The last few weeks have been a constant rerun of Pride and Prejudice, both reel and literature. The first time I read this wonderful masterpiece by the infallible Jane Austen, I was 13. Unable to comprehend most of the vocabulary and the depth of the story, I wasn't able to appreciate the love story inside the realist's eye. Now, being 25, been in love, heartbroken, healing and maturing, I can appreciate the story better. It's a story that all of us can relate to. It's the question we ask ourselves often, is he the right person for me? How can I believe this insolent, insufferable man can be my match? Well, as cheesy as the tag line for the movie is, it is sometimes true, for some people at least.

I've met a Mr.Darcy before. I fell for that Mr. Darcy. But he didn't turn out to be the loving, pained, longing person, the real Mr. Darcy was. He was proud of his birth, his origin and his disdain for the feelings of others, could have turned mere mortals away. But, he captivated me. He was the enigma your mothers always tell you to avoid. Yet at some point in our courtship, he was vulnerable, awkward but never longing. That chapter has now ended...

Reading on, watching the movie, I believe I am so much like Elizabeth Bennet. I have a sister like Lydia, who is a determined flirt, trying her best to be in public and making herself noticeable. My father is like Mr. Bennet, uncertain of the way to be there for us, but he is there. The love and fear for us, thinking who will take care of us once he can no longer do so. I have a mother like Mrs. Bennet, always fussing around not on the subject of marriage but more on the subject of losing weight and education. I have a sister like Jane, sensible, beautiful and like Jane, she never really shows me her true feelings.

I am much like Elizabeth. I am loud, opinionated, intelligent, independent and cleverness sometimes can be my enemy. I am very much like her, except i am not beautiful. I have a sensible head on my shoulder and i try not to let my heart rule my head. Propriety is something i have to work with, as i said, i am like Elizabeth, the 2010's version of her, that is.

Like Austen's book, Mr. Darcy was the only man worthy enough for Elizabeth in her father's eyes. Who will be worthy enough for me? Will i ever meet my own Mr. Darcy? I begin to wonder, is there such a Mr. Darcy for me? One who could match up to me with such audacity, spirit and love. I want that kind of love that left Mr. Darcy with the pained, longing expression every time he looked at her.

People say I am a hopeless romantic. Maybe i am... Maybe i have this warped perception of love and how it works. I maybe a fool for love but certainly not a fool. Love makes people do great things and go to many lengths to prove it. Like Mr. Darcy did, by helping Lydia and owning to the fact he was mistaken about Jane and helped fixed the relationship between Jane and Mr. Bingley. That is all i ask, a pure, sensible enactment of love...

The clever yet not handsome Ms. Lucas once said, "There are very few of us who have heart enough to be really in love without encouragement." I admit it, I am one of those people. I need encouragement and assurance...

To my future Mr. Darcy, I implore you to understand, I will love you with all my being, i will cherish you with all my love, all i ask of you is to show me your love and to encourage me, to be in love with you...

Outing..Outing..Lying..Lying...

Well...i suppose i should get ready to go out today. Going to see avatar with my family, halfheartedly.. I don't know..I feel restless..

Pertaining to what? Beats me.. A woman's mind works mysteriously.. When there's too much work to do, her mind stays focused. But when you have a lot of free time like me, your mind starts to wander off.. I hate that..

I love being in control of myself, my mind and my feelings. Makes me feel strong and empowered. But lately it's been feeling like an outer body experience...

I need to be getting ready..Going out at 3.45pm.. Will write more later...

This Distance ~ Dooriyan

Had a long talk with a dear friend about someone close at heart. If what she told me was true, then what ever i thought before was indeed the truth. Life is so funny, it plays out like a long, dragged out drama. Only mine's not funny... I feel this constant heart burn even when i'm not eating a pile of chillies. I constantly feel incomplete. It's something i don't understand, why and how could people who say they love someone, hurt them bad... It goes to show, i don't understand it myself but i too do it... Purposely hurting the one you love to prove a point, when you know it kills you to do it but you do it anyways... Why? Why are we so twisted? Can't love be simple?

This songs reminds me of the heart burn i told you guys about. The ache i feel all the time... It's in Hindi but there's translations if you want to know what it means. A dear friend asked me why all this fascination with Hindi songs? Well, read the translations and you will know why. They manage to capture the essence of a lot of things. In this case, the distance....

The scene : Saif's character loves Deepika's character to pieces. But a change in their career made the two decide to break it off, saying it was practical. They tried to remain friends but the love always gets in the way of their practicality. In the end, the practicality they hold dear so much, caused them pain.

The question now is, do you fight for the one you love or embrace practicality and be lonely and depressed forever?

I want to fight for the one i love, the question is will they let me?


Yeh doorian
This distance

Yeh doorian
This distance

In raho ki doorian
The distance between paths
Nigahon ki doorian
The distance between eyes
Humraho ki doorian
The distance between companions
Fanna ho sabhi doorian
All these distances should finish

Kyun koi paas hai,
Why someone is near,
door hai Kyun koi,
While someone is away?
jaane na koi yahan pe
Nobody knows this

Aa raha paas ya door mein Ja raha
Am I coming near or going far?
janoo na mein hu kahan pe
I don't know where I am going

Yeh doorian
In raho ki doorian
Nigahon ki doorian
Humraho ki doorian
Fanna ho sabhi doorian
Yeh doorian
Yeh doorian
Yeh doorian

Kabhi hua yeh bhi, khali rahon pe bhi
There was a time, Even on empty path
Tu tha mere saath ,
When you were with me

Kabhi tujhe milke, lauta mere dil yeh Khali khali haath
There was a time when after meeting you my heart
Returned empty handed
Yeh bhi huwa kabhi, jaise huwa abhi
This had happened
As if it has happened just now
Tujko sabhi mein paa liya
I found you in everything

Tera mujhe kar jathi hai doorian
The distances between us make's me your's
Satathi hai doorian
The distances torment me
Tarsathi hai doorian
The distances make me long
Fanna ho sabhi doorian
All these distances should finish.


Kaha bhi na main ne, nahin jeena main ne
I didn't tell you, That I won't live
Tu jo na mila
If I didn't get you

Tujhe bhule se bhi na bola na mein yeh bhi
Chahu fasala
I didn't even say this by mistake
That I want distance
Bas fasala rahe,
Now there is just distance
banke kasak jo kahe
Which say's in the form of pain
Ho aur chahat yeh jawan
That love should blossom

Teri meri mit jani hai doorian
Our distance will finish
Begani hai doorian
The distance is a stranger
Hat jani hai doorian
The distance will go
Fanna ho sabhi doorian
All these distances should finish

Kyun koi paas hai, door hai
Kyun koi jaane na , koi yahan pe
Aa raha paas ya door mein
Ja raha janoo na mein hu kahan pe

Yeh doorian
In raho ki doorian
Nigahon ki doorian
Humraho ki doorian
Fanna ho sabhi doorian
Yeh doorian yeh doorian yeh doorian…