I thought I'd try something new. I don't know if anyone is reading this blog lol, but here is my new voice blog.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Life Lessons
It has been a long while since I last posted. Let it be known, I am not the kind of person who writes things just to let people know what I am up to or what I am doing. My sister calls me a bore, I call myself insightful. I write when I need to. Writing helps me think and today, I guess, I need the thinking. Life has been bumpy of late. I've been on edge for while now, not being in my game. Lord knows, I have been in my game ever since I was born. I was depressed for some while, nothing major but it did cause a major bleak outlook on life.
But I have always been a person that allows a myself a moment of weakness. I wallow in self pity sometimes but when I need to change the gear, I do and life seems well for a moment. I guess, I'm tired. Tired of being myself. I want to change myself, not necessarily for the better, I mean there is not much to change in that sense lol but you know be a different person. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut, unable to free myself from this routine of life that I myself have intricately weaved around me.
Since I was small, I seemed to be goal oriented, determined to be better at everything I do. Even as a child I was taught, second is not the best. First is always the better choice. So, whenever I placed second in class or in any competition, I dare not tell my dad. I remember one time; I was so excited to win second place for this science project in school. Me and my grandma worked hard on it, so I was happy that our hard work was fruitful. I showed him my trophy and he said, "If it's not for first place, don't show me." I was devastated. Needless to say, I locked myself in my room the entire day, studying.
At 25, I have never lived. When I say live, I don't mean mindless drinking and promiscuous sex. I mean lived, to experience, to learn and to see for myself. People younger than me have seen more than I have. Yet, at 25, I feel old. The burden of responsibility on my shoulders are beginning to show it's consequences. The burden of having to clean up my parents' mess, to be the perfect daughter, be the role model sister and be the perfect student. I've never cracked...at least in front of people. All my years, the only time I do show my moment of weakness would be, in my bed, alone, with tears flowing slowly from my eyes down to my wet pillow. I cried sometimes, hours upon hours, hoping the pain would go away before sunrise. Sometimes it did. Other times, it lingered.
Funny thing, pain. You perceive it, you feel it yet most of the time, you hide it. Lord knows, how many types of pain I have hidden under all this prude clothing. The pain of a broken home, the pain of a broken heart and the actual physical pain of a broken knee. Yes, some might say, I don't have it so bad. Maybe...but even if you don't have it so bad, years of that, could amount to something bad. This time, it seems, pain finally won over me.
I am slowly devoid of emotion now. I want to be separated from the pain. When you don't feel, you won't experience pain. It has made me cynical about life, love and funnily enough, pain. Why bother I say nowadays, why bother fighting to live when I'm living to fight? No... I'm not suicidal. I'm just tired...
My sisters, god bless them, have their own sets of problems. But even if I tell them, they won't understand. Being eldest, means being the example in the house. Be it bad or good and for the most part of my youth, it was bad. My family, save for my mum, was convinced I was plotting some evil plan and brain washing my siblings. I took the blame naturally. It seems, in my house, everyone is wrong, except my dad and grandma. I resent that. They never listen and when they do, they only hear what they want to.
I long for the day, I can get away from all this madness. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me. Perhaps without all the circumstance I have here, I would feel again. I would live...
Sometimes, in my melancholic moments, I hoped, I was fatally sick. Perhaps then, these people might realize what I actually mean to them. I feel invisible sometimes. I feel invisible in my own family. The irony. I am at my wits' end. I'm tired...I'm tired...
But I have always been a person that allows a myself a moment of weakness. I wallow in self pity sometimes but when I need to change the gear, I do and life seems well for a moment. I guess, I'm tired. Tired of being myself. I want to change myself, not necessarily for the better, I mean there is not much to change in that sense lol but you know be a different person. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut, unable to free myself from this routine of life that I myself have intricately weaved around me.
Since I was small, I seemed to be goal oriented, determined to be better at everything I do. Even as a child I was taught, second is not the best. First is always the better choice. So, whenever I placed second in class or in any competition, I dare not tell my dad. I remember one time; I was so excited to win second place for this science project in school. Me and my grandma worked hard on it, so I was happy that our hard work was fruitful. I showed him my trophy and he said, "If it's not for first place, don't show me." I was devastated. Needless to say, I locked myself in my room the entire day, studying.
At 25, I have never lived. When I say live, I don't mean mindless drinking and promiscuous sex. I mean lived, to experience, to learn and to see for myself. People younger than me have seen more than I have. Yet, at 25, I feel old. The burden of responsibility on my shoulders are beginning to show it's consequences. The burden of having to clean up my parents' mess, to be the perfect daughter, be the role model sister and be the perfect student. I've never cracked...at least in front of people. All my years, the only time I do show my moment of weakness would be, in my bed, alone, with tears flowing slowly from my eyes down to my wet pillow. I cried sometimes, hours upon hours, hoping the pain would go away before sunrise. Sometimes it did. Other times, it lingered.
Funny thing, pain. You perceive it, you feel it yet most of the time, you hide it. Lord knows, how many types of pain I have hidden under all this prude clothing. The pain of a broken home, the pain of a broken heart and the actual physical pain of a broken knee. Yes, some might say, I don't have it so bad. Maybe...but even if you don't have it so bad, years of that, could amount to something bad. This time, it seems, pain finally won over me.
I am slowly devoid of emotion now. I want to be separated from the pain. When you don't feel, you won't experience pain. It has made me cynical about life, love and funnily enough, pain. Why bother I say nowadays, why bother fighting to live when I'm living to fight? No... I'm not suicidal. I'm just tired...
My sisters, god bless them, have their own sets of problems. But even if I tell them, they won't understand. Being eldest, means being the example in the house. Be it bad or good and for the most part of my youth, it was bad. My family, save for my mum, was convinced I was plotting some evil plan and brain washing my siblings. I took the blame naturally. It seems, in my house, everyone is wrong, except my dad and grandma. I resent that. They never listen and when they do, they only hear what they want to.
I long for the day, I can get away from all this madness. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me. Perhaps without all the circumstance I have here, I would feel again. I would live...
Sometimes, in my melancholic moments, I hoped, I was fatally sick. Perhaps then, these people might realize what I actually mean to them. I feel invisible sometimes. I feel invisible in my own family. The irony. I am at my wits' end. I'm tired...I'm tired...
Monday, September 27, 2010
Down but not Out...
Sick again... This time I a m down with fever, cough, stomach ache, vomiting and god knows other bodily aches. I don't know what happened. Don't know what I ate and to make matters worse, my monthly allowance is not in yet so believe it or not, I cannot afford to go to the doctor. I might have to ask my mom for cash but kind of don't want to pester her... So I'm just going to suck it in, drink lots of water since I have to go to the toilet so often now... I think my OTC cough medicine is messing with my pain killer for my knee. It's almost 4 a.m. and I am wide awake... I fell asleep earlier thought but woke up to go vomit and of course the diarrhea. So I do what every sick person on earth would do... Watch movies...
So first I watched Jumanji since I have not seen in since forever lol... Then I googled romantic comedies and found the Taming of the Shrew. So I searched it on YouTube and found the movie! OMG! What wonderful acting by Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. It's witty and romantic and all the things in one. Makes me think of the man who could tame me lol since I am myself somewhat headstrong and stubborn.
I may not be destined for marriage. I don't know... I am 25 and I was in a relationship that killed my trust in love. The pain was so unbearable I decided that it was best to not marry at all. But hey... I'm young and I guess in a way, I am like Katerina... I might say or act in a certain way but in truth I am scared of living my life alone...
I must be over thinking this... I do that when I'm sick...
So first I watched Jumanji since I have not seen in since forever lol... Then I googled romantic comedies and found the Taming of the Shrew. So I searched it on YouTube and found the movie! OMG! What wonderful acting by Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. It's witty and romantic and all the things in one. Makes me think of the man who could tame me lol since I am myself somewhat headstrong and stubborn.
I may not be destined for marriage. I don't know... I am 25 and I was in a relationship that killed my trust in love. The pain was so unbearable I decided that it was best to not marry at all. But hey... I'm young and I guess in a way, I am like Katerina... I might say or act in a certain way but in truth I am scared of living my life alone...
I must be over thinking this... I do that when I'm sick...
Sunday, September 19, 2010
What is L.O.V.E?
Love... What the heck is it? It seems like the age old question with a lot of people if not all wondering what the answer might be... If you do get the answer then comes a never ending parade of other questions pertaining to the matter like does true love really exists? or is there love at first sight? or can love last forever? and can I love the same person for the rest of my life?
Love is ever complicated. You fall in love and you fall out of love... Either way you're screwed because in or out, you are falling and it will hurt. I know... I have been there...
I used to love being in love. Then I met him and I never knew love could hurt so bad. It makes me regret being in love and I for one don't really regret things. Five years... I endured it... I was the dumb one here... He moved on and I was too dumb to see... I found out about the ultimatum the hard way through FB and through text. I was emotionally scared. I hated everything about love from that day onwards... I was self destructive and hater of all things nice and dandy for two solid years. My real player playlist sounds like songs people would play at a funeral. It was that bad...
My effed up love life also messed up my health and it has never been right after that. I hated love... every bit of it... I hated all the love songs, all the romantic movies and I even hated the guys who tried to flirt with me. I know...messed up right? I was so angry all the time... I would cry most of the time... I was like that for two years... and then one day... I was no longer like that...
You see, I think love is unexplainable... Why? Well two years ago I hated love but now... It seems I am warming up to it again... Is it a guy? Maybe... But I was better even before I met him... I began to love life again... I loved all the love songs again. I go to the movies just to watch romantic movies and I even began to feel prettier because of what I am feeling inside... What was it? The anticipation of love...
Earlier today I saw a movie called Under the Tuscan Sun with Diane Lane. There was a lovely quote in there that sounded something like this, "Signora, between Austria and Italy, there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering. It is impossibly steep, very high part of the mountains. They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew some day, the train would come..."
Confused?
Well I think it means to always be ready for love... Make some room in your heart for this unexpected visitor. Who knows, if you are lucky, that visitor might stay...
Back to my question earlier... what is love?
I say don't give a damn and just go with it...
Love is ever complicated. You fall in love and you fall out of love... Either way you're screwed because in or out, you are falling and it will hurt. I know... I have been there...
I used to love being in love. Then I met him and I never knew love could hurt so bad. It makes me regret being in love and I for one don't really regret things. Five years... I endured it... I was the dumb one here... He moved on and I was too dumb to see... I found out about the ultimatum the hard way through FB and through text. I was emotionally scared. I hated everything about love from that day onwards... I was self destructive and hater of all things nice and dandy for two solid years. My real player playlist sounds like songs people would play at a funeral. It was that bad...
My effed up love life also messed up my health and it has never been right after that. I hated love... every bit of it... I hated all the love songs, all the romantic movies and I even hated the guys who tried to flirt with me. I know...messed up right? I was so angry all the time... I would cry most of the time... I was like that for two years... and then one day... I was no longer like that...
You see, I think love is unexplainable... Why? Well two years ago I hated love but now... It seems I am warming up to it again... Is it a guy? Maybe... But I was better even before I met him... I began to love life again... I loved all the love songs again. I go to the movies just to watch romantic movies and I even began to feel prettier because of what I am feeling inside... What was it? The anticipation of love...
Earlier today I saw a movie called Under the Tuscan Sun with Diane Lane. There was a lovely quote in there that sounded something like this, "Signora, between Austria and Italy, there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering. It is impossibly steep, very high part of the mountains. They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew some day, the train would come..."
Confused?
Well I think it means to always be ready for love... Make some room in your heart for this unexpected visitor. Who knows, if you are lucky, that visitor might stay...
Back to my question earlier... what is love?
I say don't give a damn and just go with it...
Raya Blues
Hey all... It has been a few weeks since my last post. Been busy with classes and life lol. The festive season is still going on but the peak has slightly died down. It has been a whirlwind month... Filled with ups and downs... But all in all my Aidilfitri was a fun event. My whole family was home and we all had loads of fun.
A few days before Aidilfitri, we started baking cookies and cooked an array of delicacies famous in Malaysia. On the day, we had ketupat palas, which is a form of sticky rice in a special palm leaf called palas and we eat it with beef rendang which is a type of thick curry like gravy like so :
A few days before Aidilfitri, we started baking cookies and cooked an array of delicacies famous in Malaysia. On the day, we had ketupat palas, which is a form of sticky rice in a special palm leaf called palas and we eat it with beef rendang which is a type of thick curry like gravy like so :
(below is the ketupat palas and rendang and above is one of the cookies we made)
On the day of Aidilfitri before we start our day, we had our Aidilfitri prayers. After asking forgiveness from Allah and from our elders we proceeded to attack our wholesome food!! We had tomato rice, chicken curry tomato, pounded spicy beef with onions, vegetable curry and a whole lot of other sweet stuff! Then after the ritual duit raya or angpow we took the annual Aidilfitri pictures.
(My family whom i love very much)
It has been a great Aidilfitri so far... but I've had a few bumps these few days. Was kinda sad last night but I am A-OK now... I am very happy so far. I am kinda healthy, I am satisfied and I am in love... very much... It is the kind of romance that took me by surprise but I am happy with things are right now. To that person, you know who you are... I love you...
I will be going back to campus tomorrow. Supposed to be going back today but I need to renew my driver's license before I go back. Then off to my serious studious life and then not much of anything else... Gotta watch what I eat again lol.. the festive season has not been kind... Despite of me watching what I stuff in my mouth, the amount of food I had to eat at friends' and families' place has gone straight to my tummy and thighs lol... Strict diet!! Come December I have to be a size 10 hopefully... I after all have a wedding to attend. Not mine though lol...
Well will update more if I suddenly found some profound thought that I need to send into the void... Toodles!!
Friday, August 20, 2010
Sick Again...
Hey all. It's the month of Ramadhan and it is when all Muslims fast, myself included. The first day was fun. We cooked simple dishes since only a few of us were home. The the next few days weren't so fun. I won't tell why but the it got fun again lol. We saw Avatar the Last Airbender then we when to the arcade. After that we all sang our hearts out at the karaoke center lol after prayers of course! My siblings were all home and it was fun. It has been a while since we had that much fun together.
Yesterday was my 25th birthday. A landmark I guess, for being a quarter of a century. Haven't done anything noteworthy as yet but I'm getting there. It was a fun/sickening birthday since I was indeed sick. Came down with strep and flu after that, fever. My body aches and my head is spinning. I feel terrible! But hey at least I'm here in my beloved Malaysia celebrating my birthday with friends and family. I love it!
I watched Julie/Julia again... Really want to start cooking again. I am a gourmet myself lol but not to the extend I'd rival Julia or Julie for that matter. But the idea of a Filet Mignon is swirling in my head... Too bad Malaysia doesn't have good butcher shops. I don't even know what kind of meat cut I'm supposed to use. I found one great recipe of the food network and maybe I'll try it tomorrow for break fast, if my fever breaks that is... *sighs...
One thing though... I'm 25 and I can feel age catching up to me. I'm slower and I get sick easier. It wasn't like that 5 years ago. Maybe I'm not taking care of myself properly. Thank god my mind is still kinda sharp. I don't know how I'm going to face my internship next year... God help me!
Some of my friends now have children, work full time, have their own house and cars... What do I have? Nothing yet. My dad pays for my car. He gave me my blackberry, my laptop and the amazingly large house we are currently living in.Yes, I have it good but I long for something that's mine. I do pay my own bills and gas. I know he keeps on asking himself when will I stand on my own two feet? Believe me dad, I ask myself that too. There have been bumps and cracks along my journey, delaying things for me. But one thing I have learned in my 25 years of age is that, good things come to people who wait and work hard. Honest people get rewarded generously and I would like to think I am one.
I don't have many friends. I don't make friends easily because most of them are fakes. They try to be friends with be with ulterior motives. I have a handful of trusted, cherished friends. Most of which I would gladly give my life up for. But my true treasure in this life, is my family... I love you guys forever! One other true spoil for me is that I love myself. Every inch of fat, bump, pimple, scar (which I have a lot of), gray hair (from all the stress), hair, skin, curve and bulge! Don't get me wrong. I'm not 400 pounds of anything. I'm a healthy size 14/16 and I love it!
What's not to love? I am alive and thanks to this balloon of a shell, I am here on earth, experiencing life and dreaming of Filet Mignon with a side of grilled baby potatoes, some asparagus with butter and for dessert perhaps Chocolate Pie!
To every 25 years old gal this year, it might be landmark but let it be about the triumphs you had this year! Be it something major like getting married or having a baby or something as simple as losing 5 pounds, it's a landmark and you should be happy and celebrating. Celebrate your life and life will celebrate you!
Yesterday was my 25th birthday. A landmark I guess, for being a quarter of a century. Haven't done anything noteworthy as yet but I'm getting there. It was a fun/sickening birthday since I was indeed sick. Came down with strep and flu after that, fever. My body aches and my head is spinning. I feel terrible! But hey at least I'm here in my beloved Malaysia celebrating my birthday with friends and family. I love it!
I watched Julie/Julia again... Really want to start cooking again. I am a gourmet myself lol but not to the extend I'd rival Julia or Julie for that matter. But the idea of a Filet Mignon is swirling in my head... Too bad Malaysia doesn't have good butcher shops. I don't even know what kind of meat cut I'm supposed to use. I found one great recipe of the food network and maybe I'll try it tomorrow for break fast, if my fever breaks that is... *sighs...
One thing though... I'm 25 and I can feel age catching up to me. I'm slower and I get sick easier. It wasn't like that 5 years ago. Maybe I'm not taking care of myself properly. Thank god my mind is still kinda sharp. I don't know how I'm going to face my internship next year... God help me!
Some of my friends now have children, work full time, have their own house and cars... What do I have? Nothing yet. My dad pays for my car. He gave me my blackberry, my laptop and the amazingly large house we are currently living in.Yes, I have it good but I long for something that's mine. I do pay my own bills and gas. I know he keeps on asking himself when will I stand on my own two feet? Believe me dad, I ask myself that too. There have been bumps and cracks along my journey, delaying things for me. But one thing I have learned in my 25 years of age is that, good things come to people who wait and work hard. Honest people get rewarded generously and I would like to think I am one.
I don't have many friends. I don't make friends easily because most of them are fakes. They try to be friends with be with ulterior motives. I have a handful of trusted, cherished friends. Most of which I would gladly give my life up for. But my true treasure in this life, is my family... I love you guys forever! One other true spoil for me is that I love myself. Every inch of fat, bump, pimple, scar (which I have a lot of), gray hair (from all the stress), hair, skin, curve and bulge! Don't get me wrong. I'm not 400 pounds of anything. I'm a healthy size 14/16 and I love it!
What's not to love? I am alive and thanks to this balloon of a shell, I am here on earth, experiencing life and dreaming of Filet Mignon with a side of grilled baby potatoes, some asparagus with butter and for dessert perhaps Chocolate Pie!
To every 25 years old gal this year, it might be landmark but let it be about the triumphs you had this year! Be it something major like getting married or having a baby or something as simple as losing 5 pounds, it's a landmark and you should be happy and celebrating. Celebrate your life and life will celebrate you!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
30 things to do before I turn 30
Here's me thinking out loud of the things I want to do before I turn 30...
1. Buy a house
2. Buy a nice car
3. Go for Haj
4. Buy another house
5. Preferably find a steady boyfriend
6. Meet Craig Parker, JK Rowling, Orlando Bloom, Ralph Fiennes, Daniel Radcliffe, Jake Gyllenhaal
7. Go to Paris
8. When in Paris, go to Eiffel Tower
9. Atop Eiffel Tower, shout I Love Khaireen!
10. Stay in New Zealand for a minimum of 2 years
11. Stay in London for a bit
12. Travel to Middle East
13. Eat all the Halal Fine Dining meal I can find
14. Climb Mount Kinabalu
15. Dive in Pulau Tioman
16. Make a documentary titled the Nasi Kandar Journey
17. Buy my mum her own house
18. Publish a book that actually sells
19. Perform live to an audience
20. Buy the all the extended version DVDs for all my favourite movies
21. Buy myself a diamond set
22. Visit all the 7 Wonders of the World
23. Dive in Australia beside the whale shark
24. Learn to Samba
25. Learn to speak French, Spanish, Italian and Japanese
26. Have my own clinic
27. Find a cure for some currently incurable disease
28. Go to Disneyland
29. Go to the new Harry Potter world
30. Go on the LOTR New Zealand tour
1. Buy a house
2. Buy a nice car
3. Go for Haj
4. Buy another house
5. Preferably find a steady boyfriend
6. Meet Craig Parker, JK Rowling, Orlando Bloom, Ralph Fiennes, Daniel Radcliffe, Jake Gyllenhaal
7. Go to Paris
8. When in Paris, go to Eiffel Tower
9. Atop Eiffel Tower, shout I Love Khaireen!
10. Stay in New Zealand for a minimum of 2 years
11. Stay in London for a bit
12. Travel to Middle East
13. Eat all the Halal Fine Dining meal I can find
14. Climb Mount Kinabalu
15. Dive in Pulau Tioman
16. Make a documentary titled the Nasi Kandar Journey
17. Buy my mum her own house
18. Publish a book that actually sells
19. Perform live to an audience
20. Buy the all the extended version DVDs for all my favourite movies
21. Buy myself a diamond set
22. Visit all the 7 Wonders of the World
23. Dive in Australia beside the whale shark
24. Learn to Samba
25. Learn to speak French, Spanish, Italian and Japanese
26. Have my own clinic
27. Find a cure for some currently incurable disease
28. Go to Disneyland
29. Go to the new Harry Potter world
30. Go on the LOTR New Zealand tour
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)