It's 4 a.m. and I can't sleep. Would probably contribute it to my off sleeping schedule since last week but truth be told, I have a lot on my mind these few days. There's this listlessness inside me. That one nagging feeling that stands between me and utter bliss. Don't ask me what because I have no clue. I know... I know... It could just be me making things up but lately, my mind keeps wandering back to my past which I swore to myself is now in the past. I remember my past A LOT. Because I have a lot of sadness and pain there and pain is a great teacher. I look at my past not with anger or resentment now, but rather with a quiet acknowledgment that I was hurting there and the people that hurt me are those people that I love or loved.
What I feel now is what I describe as surrendering pain. You know that pain and realization that you don't have the juice or energy to go on even though you have been fighting so hard? That one moment of pain before you say, FUCK IT, I'm done? I feel that, every single day of my life. It's not that bad for me to want to kill myself but it's there nevertheless. Makes existing a hell of an annoying thing to do. I carry on with this fake countenance of calm and happiness. Well, not happiness... I don't laugh as much or even smile a lot anymore. There's this pain inside me... In the pit of my soul but I can't describe it nor can I tell anyone. Why? Because you don't know my family...
I can never get two sentences out about how I feel before I get shot down or my problems deemed not tragic enough to be paid some attention to. I feel lost... As if I'm only existing, rather than being alive... Everyone is so oblivious to the pain I have inside. So when I act out like I did a few months back, I'm deemed impatient or borderline crazy. I'm 26 years old and for the past 13 years of my life, I'm the only friend I have. You would say I would be the strongest person you know. You're right but sometimes, I need someone taking care of me. I guess I'm just tired... My soul needs a long overdue vacation.
I honesty cannot remember when I was last, truly happy. It's so true what people say, once you're touched by pain, you'll never be the same. I can feel myself closing up, being cynical. I am so tired of reaching out. Because most of the time the people I reach out to don't even notice I am trying to reach out to them. For once, I would appreciate it very much if someone would reach their hand out for me to grab... because Lord knows, I need it...
Friday, October 28, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
I'm Moving On by Rascal Flatts
A song I found on YouTube while searching for Rascal Flatts. I took this song to heart. There have been so much crap in my life, I found myself dwelling a lot on the hurt i felt and continue to feel. It was high time i moved on. Not from a person but from the state that I was in. It will be a long process but I think change is the best way to go :)
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
It Has Been A While
I really haven't given this blog much time. Why? Cause I've started playing the Sims 2 again :P but seriously life has been so damn hectic. No, nothing productive. I am still waiting for my damn schedule to be sorted so I can finally finish my freaking degree. So what have I been doing all this time? Fattening myself up I suppose. With my daily regiment consist of lunch, TV, Internet and then more TV and internet and then dinner and then more Internet and then sleep and of course repeat.
But I am trying to finish my fan fiction, Unrelenting Love, the one I've left for months now, letting it collect virtual dust. But I am writing again :) Oh, it is also Ramadhan here. Which means I'm fasting and dieting all at the same time. I'm gonna have to cut out rice forever from my diet. Too bad considering I'm like Asian. I got by last week eating proteins only which consists of Chicken Schnitzel. That got boring pretty quick. I just avoid rice and eat other light things for fast breaking. Anyways, getting late here. I'll post more soon :)
But I am trying to finish my fan fiction, Unrelenting Love, the one I've left for months now, letting it collect virtual dust. But I am writing again :) Oh, it is also Ramadhan here. Which means I'm fasting and dieting all at the same time. I'm gonna have to cut out rice forever from my diet. Too bad considering I'm like Asian. I got by last week eating proteins only which consists of Chicken Schnitzel. That got boring pretty quick. I just avoid rice and eat other light things for fast breaking. Anyways, getting late here. I'll post more soon :)
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
The World Goes Round
Next voice blog. If anyone out there is listening, I hope my thoughts would inspire yours :)
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Hello World ~ It's Me, Kay :)
I thought I'd try something new. I don't know if anyone is reading this blog lol, but here is my new voice blog.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Life Lessons
It has been a long while since I last posted. Let it be known, I am not the kind of person who writes things just to let people know what I am up to or what I am doing. My sister calls me a bore, I call myself insightful. I write when I need to. Writing helps me think and today, I guess, I need the thinking. Life has been bumpy of late. I've been on edge for while now, not being in my game. Lord knows, I have been in my game ever since I was born. I was depressed for some while, nothing major but it did cause a major bleak outlook on life.
But I have always been a person that allows a myself a moment of weakness. I wallow in self pity sometimes but when I need to change the gear, I do and life seems well for a moment. I guess, I'm tired. Tired of being myself. I want to change myself, not necessarily for the better, I mean there is not much to change in that sense lol but you know be a different person. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut, unable to free myself from this routine of life that I myself have intricately weaved around me.
Since I was small, I seemed to be goal oriented, determined to be better at everything I do. Even as a child I was taught, second is not the best. First is always the better choice. So, whenever I placed second in class or in any competition, I dare not tell my dad. I remember one time; I was so excited to win second place for this science project in school. Me and my grandma worked hard on it, so I was happy that our hard work was fruitful. I showed him my trophy and he said, "If it's not for first place, don't show me." I was devastated. Needless to say, I locked myself in my room the entire day, studying.
At 25, I have never lived. When I say live, I don't mean mindless drinking and promiscuous sex. I mean lived, to experience, to learn and to see for myself. People younger than me have seen more than I have. Yet, at 25, I feel old. The burden of responsibility on my shoulders are beginning to show it's consequences. The burden of having to clean up my parents' mess, to be the perfect daughter, be the role model sister and be the perfect student. I've never cracked...at least in front of people. All my years, the only time I do show my moment of weakness would be, in my bed, alone, with tears flowing slowly from my eyes down to my wet pillow. I cried sometimes, hours upon hours, hoping the pain would go away before sunrise. Sometimes it did. Other times, it lingered.
Funny thing, pain. You perceive it, you feel it yet most of the time, you hide it. Lord knows, how many types of pain I have hidden under all this prude clothing. The pain of a broken home, the pain of a broken heart and the actual physical pain of a broken knee. Yes, some might say, I don't have it so bad. Maybe...but even if you don't have it so bad, years of that, could amount to something bad. This time, it seems, pain finally won over me.
I am slowly devoid of emotion now. I want to be separated from the pain. When you don't feel, you won't experience pain. It has made me cynical about life, love and funnily enough, pain. Why bother I say nowadays, why bother fighting to live when I'm living to fight? No... I'm not suicidal. I'm just tired...
My sisters, god bless them, have their own sets of problems. But even if I tell them, they won't understand. Being eldest, means being the example in the house. Be it bad or good and for the most part of my youth, it was bad. My family, save for my mum, was convinced I was plotting some evil plan and brain washing my siblings. I took the blame naturally. It seems, in my house, everyone is wrong, except my dad and grandma. I resent that. They never listen and when they do, they only hear what they want to.
I long for the day, I can get away from all this madness. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me. Perhaps without all the circumstance I have here, I would feel again. I would live...
Sometimes, in my melancholic moments, I hoped, I was fatally sick. Perhaps then, these people might realize what I actually mean to them. I feel invisible sometimes. I feel invisible in my own family. The irony. I am at my wits' end. I'm tired...I'm tired...
But I have always been a person that allows a myself a moment of weakness. I wallow in self pity sometimes but when I need to change the gear, I do and life seems well for a moment. I guess, I'm tired. Tired of being myself. I want to change myself, not necessarily for the better, I mean there is not much to change in that sense lol but you know be a different person. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut, unable to free myself from this routine of life that I myself have intricately weaved around me.
Since I was small, I seemed to be goal oriented, determined to be better at everything I do. Even as a child I was taught, second is not the best. First is always the better choice. So, whenever I placed second in class or in any competition, I dare not tell my dad. I remember one time; I was so excited to win second place for this science project in school. Me and my grandma worked hard on it, so I was happy that our hard work was fruitful. I showed him my trophy and he said, "If it's not for first place, don't show me." I was devastated. Needless to say, I locked myself in my room the entire day, studying.
At 25, I have never lived. When I say live, I don't mean mindless drinking and promiscuous sex. I mean lived, to experience, to learn and to see for myself. People younger than me have seen more than I have. Yet, at 25, I feel old. The burden of responsibility on my shoulders are beginning to show it's consequences. The burden of having to clean up my parents' mess, to be the perfect daughter, be the role model sister and be the perfect student. I've never cracked...at least in front of people. All my years, the only time I do show my moment of weakness would be, in my bed, alone, with tears flowing slowly from my eyes down to my wet pillow. I cried sometimes, hours upon hours, hoping the pain would go away before sunrise. Sometimes it did. Other times, it lingered.
Funny thing, pain. You perceive it, you feel it yet most of the time, you hide it. Lord knows, how many types of pain I have hidden under all this prude clothing. The pain of a broken home, the pain of a broken heart and the actual physical pain of a broken knee. Yes, some might say, I don't have it so bad. Maybe...but even if you don't have it so bad, years of that, could amount to something bad. This time, it seems, pain finally won over me.
I am slowly devoid of emotion now. I want to be separated from the pain. When you don't feel, you won't experience pain. It has made me cynical about life, love and funnily enough, pain. Why bother I say nowadays, why bother fighting to live when I'm living to fight? No... I'm not suicidal. I'm just tired...
My sisters, god bless them, have their own sets of problems. But even if I tell them, they won't understand. Being eldest, means being the example in the house. Be it bad or good and for the most part of my youth, it was bad. My family, save for my mum, was convinced I was plotting some evil plan and brain washing my siblings. I took the blame naturally. It seems, in my house, everyone is wrong, except my dad and grandma. I resent that. They never listen and when they do, they only hear what they want to.
I long for the day, I can get away from all this madness. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me. Perhaps without all the circumstance I have here, I would feel again. I would live...
Sometimes, in my melancholic moments, I hoped, I was fatally sick. Perhaps then, these people might realize what I actually mean to them. I feel invisible sometimes. I feel invisible in my own family. The irony. I am at my wits' end. I'm tired...I'm tired...
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