If I don't write this down, I probably will just go bonkers, or worse. Don't think I've not thought of doing the eternal flight, but after my major breakdown just a few days ago, I'm trying to preserve myself. I'm still sad, still a loser and everything not nice.
School is still progressing really, super slow, but there are some good news after all. I might stay in KL or I'll go back to Penang. I'm fine either way. I just want to get on with my life. Appease my family, so that I can move on with my life quietly, and alone. If they see I can take care of myself, perhaps the idea of me not marrying won't be a shock to them. Because, that part of my life is done.
I miss him so much. Each time I go out, my eyes will seek him out, though I know that the possibility of a chance meeting is like 0.1% to none. I don't even know if he is still in Malaysia. But, I still seek him out. Each time I see someone like him, my heart drops, and each time, I die a little more inside when it's not him. I don't know why I do that. Even if it's really him, I probably would just look from afar. That's what I do lately. I love him from afar.
He's the first thing I look at when I wake up and the last thing I see before I fall asleep. He fills my prayers each day and night. All I ask from Allah is to keep him safe, happy and smiling. I've lost that chance to be his happiness, but I still want him to be happy wherever he is. With all my heart, I mean that. At least, I had a chance to love someone, even if I don't get to be with him.
It hurts.
But it's the only way I know how to survive. I can't fall in love anymore. That's my fatal flaw, the fatal flaw in my personality. When I feel, I feel wholeheartedly. So, when I'm happy, I'm really happy. When I'm angry, my whole body is angry. Thus, when I love, I love with all my being. He was a big part of my life. Five years wasn't a short time. 11 years has passed...
I love him still.
I can't love anyone else, I'm all used up. Loving someone, without hoping for anything in return is hard, really hard. But, I did it when I left matriculation, I can do it again. Allah will keep my heart strong for this test of mine. I won't ever stop praying to Him to bestow upon me a calm heart and a strong mind. Do I pray to Him about him? I do...
Mainly for his heart to soften and forgive me. I dare not ask for more. I have no right to ask that anymore. But, every night I pray that he's happy, safe and healthy, and that maybe one day, at least once, I get to see him from afar.
That would be enough for me to live my life. One last look, and a lifetime of memories...
He once told me :
One day, you will ask me, which is more important. My life or yours? And I will say that my life is more important. And you will turn around and walk away without knowing that my life, is you...
My life is you...
If only you knew.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Life is funny sometimes and not in a haha way
You'll never miss the water until it's gone.
I used to say that a lot, in regards with my relationship with my ex. Saying, no, convinced that he would miss me when I'm gone. Funny how that has become my anthem lately.
I've lost everything.
My life, my studies, my love.
Myself.
And when you are devoid of all the things you were once so proud of, it can break you. I'm broken... More shattered now than ever. I've found my rock bottom, and darling, it ain't pretty.
With only four posting to graduate, my college has gone under. The wondrous fiasco of AUCMS. Not to mention my constant delay because of my recurring health issues, and the incompetence on my college's part to properly handle my scheduling conflict. So, here I am, 29 years old and NOTHING to show for it.
Each of my effort to rectify this has been met with more obstacles. I don't know what god has planned for me. I'm too broken to see past all this. All I do each night now, is cry. I cry for myself, since no one else is crying for me. I cry because I feel so helpless. I've lost everything.
I don't know how to recover. I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. No one can cry each night without fail and NOT be depressed. Sometimes, I wish life would end. That way, my pain ends. But I can't be that selfish.
If you asked the 20 years old me if I thought this would happen, I would've laughed in your face. I took so many things for granted. My health, my youth, my smarts, my Shahril. Well, not mine anymore. My whole family is very supportive, especially my mum, but I feel so alone.
There's this ache in my chest that won't go away. It makes it hard for me to breathe. It makes it hard for me to smile. How I want to go back to the times when life was simpler. The time when I was a wide-eyed young adult ready to take on the world, with family, friends and the love of my life by my side.
Now?
I have NOTHING.
I took for granted the times I had it easy in class. I took for granted the time when professors praised me for a good presentation. I took for granted when I did really damn well in my fifth and sixth years.
I took for granted the simple texts. I took for granted the phone calls. I took for granted the safety his love gave me. I took for granted the feeling of not being alone even when you are thousands of miles apart. I took for granted hearing his voice.
I was an arrogant bitch.
Life has knocked me down a few thousand pegs. I am a shell of a human being, hollow and empty inside. My studies continue to lay in shambles and my Shahril has moved on, years ago. Turns out, I still do love him very much all this while, and I thought I was fine. There is nothing left for me anymore.
What am I to do? I pray. Each night, I pray to the Almighty to help me, to ease the burdens of my heart. I can't continue anymore. I can't go on anymore. All my hopes and my dreams have been shattered. I pray to Him to give me strength and courage to face this world. I ask from Him to set things right. I ask from Him the strength to continue loving him without any hope of my love being returned.
I want him to be happy - wherever he is, whatever he's doing and whoever he's with. I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Memories will keep me going..
If you happen to read this, I'm sorry. I meant what I said before. If you ever think of me, say a prayer for me. I don't know how long I can last...
I used to say that a lot, in regards with my relationship with my ex. Saying, no, convinced that he would miss me when I'm gone. Funny how that has become my anthem lately.
I've lost everything.
My life, my studies, my love.
Myself.
And when you are devoid of all the things you were once so proud of, it can break you. I'm broken... More shattered now than ever. I've found my rock bottom, and darling, it ain't pretty.
With only four posting to graduate, my college has gone under. The wondrous fiasco of AUCMS. Not to mention my constant delay because of my recurring health issues, and the incompetence on my college's part to properly handle my scheduling conflict. So, here I am, 29 years old and NOTHING to show for it.
Each of my effort to rectify this has been met with more obstacles. I don't know what god has planned for me. I'm too broken to see past all this. All I do each night now, is cry. I cry for myself, since no one else is crying for me. I cry because I feel so helpless. I've lost everything.
I don't know how to recover. I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. No one can cry each night without fail and NOT be depressed. Sometimes, I wish life would end. That way, my pain ends. But I can't be that selfish.
If you asked the 20 years old me if I thought this would happen, I would've laughed in your face. I took so many things for granted. My health, my youth, my smarts, my Shahril. Well, not mine anymore. My whole family is very supportive, especially my mum, but I feel so alone.
There's this ache in my chest that won't go away. It makes it hard for me to breathe. It makes it hard for me to smile. How I want to go back to the times when life was simpler. The time when I was a wide-eyed young adult ready to take on the world, with family, friends and the love of my life by my side.
Now?
I have NOTHING.
I took for granted the times I had it easy in class. I took for granted the time when professors praised me for a good presentation. I took for granted when I did really damn well in my fifth and sixth years.
I took for granted the simple texts. I took for granted the phone calls. I took for granted the safety his love gave me. I took for granted the feeling of not being alone even when you are thousands of miles apart. I took for granted hearing his voice.
I was an arrogant bitch.
Life has knocked me down a few thousand pegs. I am a shell of a human being, hollow and empty inside. My studies continue to lay in shambles and my Shahril has moved on, years ago. Turns out, I still do love him very much all this while, and I thought I was fine. There is nothing left for me anymore.
What am I to do? I pray. Each night, I pray to the Almighty to help me, to ease the burdens of my heart. I can't continue anymore. I can't go on anymore. All my hopes and my dreams have been shattered. I pray to Him to give me strength and courage to face this world. I ask from Him to set things right. I ask from Him the strength to continue loving him without any hope of my love being returned.
I want him to be happy - wherever he is, whatever he's doing and whoever he's with. I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Memories will keep me going..
If you happen to read this, I'm sorry. I meant what I said before. If you ever think of me, say a prayer for me. I don't know how long I can last...
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