Life is funny sometimes and not in a haha way

You'll never miss the water until it's gone.

I used to say that a lot, in regards with my relationship with my ex. Saying, no, convinced that he would miss me when I'm gone. Funny how that has become my anthem lately.

I've lost everything.

My life, my studies, my love.
Myself.

And when you are devoid of all the things you were once so proud of, it can break you. I'm broken... More shattered now than ever. I've found my rock bottom, and darling, it ain't pretty.

With only four posting to graduate, my college has gone under. The wondrous fiasco of AUCMS. Not to mention my constant delay because of my recurring health issues, and the incompetence on my college's part to properly handle my scheduling conflict. So, here I am, 29 years old and NOTHING to show for it.

Each of my effort to rectify this has been met with more obstacles. I don't know what god has planned for me. I'm too broken to see past all this. All I do each night now, is cry. I cry for myself, since no one else is crying for me. I cry because I feel so helpless. I've lost everything.

I don't know how to recover. I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. No one can cry each night without fail and NOT be depressed. Sometimes, I wish life would end. That way, my pain ends. But I can't be that selfish.

If you asked the 20 years old me if I thought this would happen, I would've laughed in your face. I took so many things for granted. My health, my youth, my smarts, my Shahril. Well, not mine anymore. My whole family is very supportive, especially my mum, but I feel so alone.

There's this ache in my chest that won't go away. It makes it hard for me to breathe. It makes it hard for me to smile. How I want to go back to the times when life was simpler. The time when I was a wide-eyed young adult ready to take on the world, with family, friends and the love of my life by my side.

Now?

I have NOTHING.

I took for granted the times I had it easy in class. I took for granted the time when professors praised me for a good presentation. I took for granted when I did really damn well in my fifth and sixth years.

I took for granted the simple texts. I took for granted the phone calls. I took for granted the safety his love gave me. I took for granted the feeling of not being alone even when you are thousands of miles apart. I took for granted hearing his voice.

I was an arrogant bitch.

Life has knocked me down a few thousand pegs. I am a shell of a human being, hollow and empty inside. My studies continue to lay in shambles and my Shahril has moved on, years ago. Turns out, I still do love him very much all this while, and I thought I was fine. There is nothing left for me anymore.

What am I to do? I pray. Each night, I pray to the Almighty to help me, to ease the burdens of my heart. I can't continue anymore. I can't go on anymore. All my hopes and my dreams have been shattered. I pray to Him to give me strength and courage to face this world. I ask from Him to set things right. I ask from Him the strength to continue loving him without any hope of my love being returned.

I want him to be happy - wherever he is, whatever he's doing and whoever he's with. I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Memories will keep me going..

If you happen to read this, I'm sorry. I meant what I said before. If you ever think of me, say a prayer for me. I don't know how long I can last...