Loving you is the hardest thing

If I don't write this down, I probably will just go bonkers, or worse. Don't think I've not thought of doing the eternal flight, but after my major breakdown just a few days ago, I'm trying to preserve myself. I'm still sad, still a loser and everything not nice.

School is still progressing really, super slow, but there are some good news after all. I might stay in KL or I'll go back to Penang. I'm fine either way. I just want to get on with my life. Appease my family, so that I can move on with my life quietly, and alone. If they see I can take care of myself, perhaps the idea of me not marrying won't be a shock to them. Because, that part of my life is done.

I miss him so much. Each time I go out, my eyes will seek him out, though I know that the possibility of a chance meeting is like 0.1% to none. I don't even know if he is still in Malaysia. But, I still seek him out. Each time I see someone like him, my heart drops, and each time, I die a little more inside when it's not him. I don't know why I do that. Even if it's really him, I probably would just look from afar. That's what I do lately. I love him from afar.

He's the first thing I look at when I wake up and the last thing I see before I fall asleep. He fills my prayers each day and night. All I ask from Allah is to keep him safe, happy and smiling. I've lost that chance to be his happiness, but I still want him to be happy wherever he is. With all my heart, I mean that. At least, I had a chance to love someone, even if I don't get to be with him.

It hurts.

But it's the only way I know how to survive. I can't fall in love anymore. That's my fatal flaw, the fatal flaw in my personality. When I feel, I feel wholeheartedly. So, when I'm happy, I'm really happy. When I'm angry, my whole body is angry. Thus, when I love, I love with all my being. He was a big part of my life. Five years wasn't a short time. 11 years has passed...

I love him still.

I can't love anyone else, I'm all used up. Loving someone, without hoping for anything in return is hard, really hard. But, I did it when I left matriculation, I can do it again. Allah will keep my heart strong for this test of mine. I won't ever stop praying to Him to bestow upon me a calm heart and a strong mind. Do I pray to Him about him? I do...

Mainly for his heart to soften and forgive me. I dare not ask for more. I have no right to ask that anymore. But, every night I pray that he's happy, safe and healthy, and that maybe one day, at least once, I get to see him from afar.

That would be enough for me to live my life. One last look, and a lifetime of memories...

He once told me :

One day, you will ask me, which is more important. My life or yours? And I will say that my life is more important. And you will turn around and walk away without knowing that my life, is you...

My life is you...
If only you knew.