Down but not Out...

Sick again... This time I a m down with fever, cough, stomach ache, vomiting and god knows other bodily aches. I don't know what happened. Don't know what I ate and to make matters worse, my monthly allowance is not in yet so believe it or not, I cannot afford to go to the doctor. I might have to ask my mom for cash but kind of don't want to pester her... So I'm just going to suck it in, drink lots of water since I have to go to the toilet so often now... I think my OTC cough medicine is messing with my pain killer for my knee. It's almost 4 a.m. and I am wide awake... I fell asleep earlier thought but woke up to go vomit and of course the diarrhea. So I do what every sick person on earth would do... Watch movies...

So first I watched Jumanji since I have not seen in since forever lol... Then I googled romantic comedies and found the Taming of the Shrew. So I searched it on YouTube and found the movie! OMG! What wonderful acting by Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. It's witty and romantic and all the things in one. Makes me think of the man who could tame me lol since I am myself somewhat headstrong and stubborn.

I may not be destined for marriage. I don't know... I am 25 and I was in a relationship that killed my trust in love. The pain was so unbearable I decided that it was best to not marry at all. But hey... I'm young and I guess in a way, I am like Katerina... I might say or act in a certain way but in truth I am scared of living my life alone...

I must be over thinking this... I do that when I'm sick...

What is L.O.V.E?

Love... What the heck is it? It seems like the age old question with a lot of people if not all wondering what the answer might be... If you do get the answer then comes a never ending parade of other questions pertaining to the matter like does true love really exists? or is there love at first sight? or can love last forever? and can I love the same person for the rest of my life?

Love is ever complicated. You fall in love and you fall out of love... Either way you're screwed because in or out, you are falling and it will hurt. I know... I have been there...

I used to love being in love. Then I met him and I never knew love could hurt so bad. It makes me regret being in love and I for one don't really regret things. Five years... I endured it... I was the dumb one here... He moved on and I was too dumb to see... I found out about the ultimatum the hard way through FB and through text. I was emotionally scared. I hated everything about love from that day onwards... I was self destructive and hater of all things nice and dandy for two solid years. My real player playlist sounds like songs people would play at a funeral. It was that bad...

My effed up love life also messed up my health and it has never been right after that. I hated love... every bit of it... I hated all the love songs, all the romantic movies and I even hated the guys who tried to flirt with me. I know...messed up right? I was so angry all the time... I would cry most of the time... I was like that for two years... and then one day... I was no longer like that...

You see, I think love is unexplainable... Why? Well two years ago I hated love but now... It seems I am warming up to it again... Is it a guy? Maybe... But I was better even before I met him... I began to love life again... I loved all the love songs again. I go to the movies just to watch romantic movies and I even began to feel prettier because of what I am feeling inside... What was it? The anticipation of love...

Earlier today I saw a movie called Under the Tuscan Sun with Diane Lane. There was a lovely quote in there that sounded something like this, "Signora, between Austria and Italy, there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering. It is impossibly steep, very high part of the mountains. They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew some day, the train would come..."

Confused?

Well I think it means to always be ready for love... Make some room in your heart for this unexpected visitor. Who knows, if you are lucky, that visitor might stay...

Back to my question earlier... what is love?

I say don't give a damn and just go with it...

Raya Blues

Hey all... It has been a few weeks since my last post. Been busy with classes and life lol. The festive season is still going on but the peak has slightly died down. It has been a whirlwind month... Filled with ups and downs... But all in all my Aidilfitri was a fun event. My whole family was home and we all had loads of fun.

A few days before Aidilfitri, we started baking cookies and cooked an array of delicacies famous in Malaysia. On the day, we had ketupat palas, which is a form of sticky rice in a special palm leaf called palas and we eat it with beef rendang which is a type of thick curry like gravy like so :

(below is the ketupat palas and rendang and above is one of the cookies we made)

On the day of Aidilfitri before we start our day, we had our Aidilfitri prayers. After asking forgiveness from Allah and from our elders we proceeded to attack our wholesome food!! We had tomato rice, chicken curry tomato, pounded spicy beef with onions, vegetable curry and a whole lot of other sweet stuff! Then after the ritual duit raya or angpow we took the annual Aidilfitri pictures.

(My family whom i love very much)

It has been a great Aidilfitri so far... but I've had a few bumps these few days. Was kinda sad last night but I am A-OK now... I am very happy so far. I am kinda healthy, I am satisfied and I am in love... very much... It is the kind of romance that took me by surprise but I am happy with things are right now. To that person, you know who you are... I love you...

I will be going back to campus tomorrow. Supposed to be going back today but I need to renew my driver's license before I go back. Then off to my serious studious life and then not much of anything else... Gotta watch what I eat again lol.. the festive season has not been kind... Despite of me watching what I stuff in my mouth, the amount of food I had to eat at friends' and families' place has gone straight to my tummy and thighs lol... Strict diet!! Come December I have to be a size 10 hopefully... I after all have a wedding to attend. Not mine though lol...

Well will update more if I suddenly found some profound thought that I need to send into the void... Toodles!!

Sick Again...

Hey all. It's the month of Ramadhan and it is when all Muslims fast, myself included. The first day was fun. We cooked simple dishes since only a few of us were home. The the next few days weren't so fun. I won't tell why but the it got fun again lol. We saw Avatar the Last Airbender then we when to the arcade. After that we all sang our hearts out at the karaoke center lol after prayers of course! My siblings were all home and it was fun. It has been a while since we had that much fun together.

Yesterday was my 25th birthday. A landmark I guess, for being a quarter of a century. Haven't done anything noteworthy as yet but I'm getting there. It was a fun/sickening birthday since I was indeed sick. Came down with strep and flu after that, fever. My body aches and my head is spinning. I feel terrible! But hey at least I'm here in my beloved Malaysia celebrating my birthday with friends and family. I love it!

I watched Julie/Julia again... Really want to start cooking again. I am a gourmet myself lol but not to the extend I'd rival Julia or Julie for that matter. But the idea of a Filet Mignon is swirling in my head... Too bad Malaysia doesn't have good butcher shops. I don't even know what kind of meat cut I'm supposed to use. I found one great recipe of the food network and maybe I'll try it tomorrow for break fast, if my fever breaks that is... *sighs...

One thing though... I'm 25 and I can feel age catching up to me. I'm slower and I get sick easier. It wasn't like that 5 years ago. Maybe I'm not taking care of myself properly. Thank god my mind is still kinda sharp. I don't know how I'm going to face my internship next year... God help me!

Some of my friends now have children, work full time, have their own house and cars... What do I have? Nothing yet. My dad pays for my car. He gave me my blackberry, my laptop and the amazingly large house we are currently living in.Yes, I have it good but I long for something that's mine. I do pay my own bills and gas. I know he keeps on asking himself when will I stand on my own two feet? Believe me dad, I ask myself that too. There have been bumps and cracks along my journey, delaying things for me. But one thing I have learned in my 25 years of age is that, good things come to people who wait and work hard. Honest people get rewarded generously and I would like to think I am one.

I don't have many friends. I don't make friends easily because most of them are fakes. They try to be friends with be with ulterior motives. I have a handful of trusted, cherished friends. Most of which I would gladly give my life up for. But my true treasure in this life, is my family... I love you guys forever! One other true spoil for me is that I love myself. Every inch of fat, bump, pimple, scar (which I have a lot of), gray hair (from all the stress), hair, skin, curve and bulge! Don't get me wrong. I'm not 400 pounds of anything. I'm a healthy size 14/16 and I love it!

What's not to love? I am alive and thanks to this balloon of a shell, I am here on earth, experiencing life and dreaming of Filet Mignon with a side of grilled baby potatoes, some asparagus with butter and for dessert perhaps Chocolate Pie!

To every 25 years old gal this year, it might be landmark but let it be about the triumphs you had this year! Be it something major like getting married or having a baby or something as simple as losing 5 pounds, it's a landmark and you should be happy and celebrating. Celebrate your life and life will celebrate you!

30 things to do before I turn 30

Here's me thinking out loud of the things I want to do before I turn 30...

1. Buy a house
2. Buy a nice car
3. Go for Haj
4. Buy another house
5. Preferably find a steady boyfriend
6. Meet Craig Parker, JK Rowling, Orlando Bloom, Ralph Fiennes, Daniel Radcliffe, Jake Gyllenhaal
7. Go to Paris
8. When in Paris, go to Eiffel Tower
9. Atop Eiffel Tower, shout I Love Khaireen!
10. Stay in New Zealand for a minimum of 2 years
11. Stay in London for a bit
12. Travel to Middle East
13. Eat all the Halal Fine Dining meal I can find
14. Climb Mount Kinabalu
15. Dive in Pulau Tioman
16. Make a documentary titled the Nasi Kandar Journey
17. Buy my mum her own house
18. Publish a book that actually sells
19. Perform live to an audience
20. Buy the all the extended version DVDs for all my favourite movies
21. Buy myself a diamond set
22. Visit all the 7 Wonders of the World
23. Dive in Australia beside the whale shark
24. Learn to Samba
25. Learn to speak French, Spanish, Italian and Japanese
26. Have my own clinic
27. Find a cure for some currently incurable disease
28. Go to Disneyland
29. Go to the new Harry Potter world
30. Go on the LOTR New Zealand tour

Obsession ~ Main Agenda for the holidays!

Finally! I have completed my junior cycle and now I am on break. It's been a while since I last wrote in here. But things are well. I feel great and I look great. No more second guessing myself and no more despair. I now have a more positive outlook on life and it shows I guess. There are still times, tears will fall, remembering the past and pondering the future. But hey, life goes on and so have I.

For the past month now, I have an enormous obsession for a certain LOTR actor, Craig Parker. Who is he? Well, he plays Haldir. The obsession started when I saw some clips of him with Mark Ferguson at RingCon. It was love at first sight! He is perfect! Charming personality, warm smile and one of the most beautiful specimen on earth. Then the OCD kicked in...

I surfed the entire WWW in search for anything that has to do with Craig. I've watched ALL his videos on YouTube and I even downloaded (legally of course) Legends of the Seeker. Now I actually watch Spartacus because he's in there. 

Why didn't I notice him before in LOTR? Well, perhaps I was not partial to blond elves, Legolas included. I was more of an Aragorn's girl lol. But now... Now it's a totally different story. I eat, sleep and dream Parker, Craig Parker. 

Look at him.. Can anyone be more beautiful...*sighs dreamily... I'm moving to New Zealand one day :D

I've also started my own Haldir fanfic because of this man. This is my worse celebrity crush to date. My heart flutters when I see him on screen.  What spell does he have over me? My wallpaper which I made is an homage to this great man. I am merely a distant admirer, falling hard for you. Will you even know I am alive?

On a more lighter note, I have started a movie marathon. I took the 100 AFI list of great movies and I am on the prowl to watch them all. So far, I saw Funny Girl, Benny and Joon and Don Juan DeMarco. Yeah..just three...which I found on YouTube.

Oh yeah, as of today... I have seen Lord of the Rings almost 65 times for the last two months, focusing more on the Fellowship just because Haldir was there... I know... I know... I need psychiatric help.

Also added to my life long wish and goal, I want to go to Bonn, Germany or Atlanta to go to either RingCon or DragonCon to meet the one and only Craig Parker. I'll need approx 10k of Malaysian Ringgit to be able to go there. Hopefully when I start working next year, I could go and see him in a year's  time.

Here's hoping....

Repressed Sickness

Repressed sickness? Really?

Well, all of you must think either i am suffering from psychosomatic pain or some sort of mental break down. But yes, repressed sickness.

Why repressed? Well, it seems like my 7 months medical leave was put to good use, where i was all healthy except maybe for my busted knee, no fever, food poisoning or migraine. That 7 months, after i could walk that is, I had some great holidays and even worked part time without getting sick.

Now when my health is supposed to be in top form, I've been having back to back illnesses. The second week entering my medical posting, i got food poisoning and a bad one. The next week, i contracted a bacterial infection from my sister, resulting in pharyngitis and fever. To top it up, i got drenched in the rain and ended up with a secondary viral infection. This week's chef's special would be migraine...

I think all these illnesses might be my body's way of telling me, it's not strong enough to fight off the world. Well, it might not be. Since, i think all the inner clockworks are messed up. Why messed up? Beats me...

Things are not fine. I have this anger festering in my heart for someone close to me, a family member so to say. The way that person have been treating me off late has been some what rage inducing. To think, i finally stopped ignoring this person just because it was childish.

I don't know. Maybe i'm being overly emotional and sensitive. But then again, i have always been that. I keep everything repressed until my body has to go through all the length to tell me that i'm repressed.

Enough talk about repression. Just finished watching Julie/Julia. Now, salivating over the idea of making myself some Bavarian Chocolate Cream. The idea isn't bad, but the approach will be since i am lacking in funds and the necessary crockery.

Oh well. It's 6 a.m. here and i now have a major stomachache. I should go to bed. Chiao!~

P/S : My favourite word today is  Boeuf Bourguignon

My pride and prejudice to myself...

The last few weeks have been a constant rerun of Pride and Prejudice, both reel and literature. The first time I read this wonderful masterpiece by the infallible Jane Austen, I was 13. Unable to comprehend most of the vocabulary and the depth of the story, I wasn't able to appreciate the love story inside the realist's eye. Now, being 25, been in love, heartbroken, healing and maturing, I can appreciate the story better. It's a story that all of us can relate to. It's the question we ask ourselves often, is he the right person for me? How can I believe this insolent, insufferable man can be my match? Well, as cheesy as the tag line for the movie is, it is sometimes true, for some people at least.

I've met a Mr.Darcy before. I fell for that Mr. Darcy. But he didn't turn out to be the loving, pained, longing person, the real Mr. Darcy was. He was proud of his birth, his origin and his disdain for the feelings of others, could have turned mere mortals away. But, he captivated me. He was the enigma your mothers always tell you to avoid. Yet at some point in our courtship, he was vulnerable, awkward but never longing. That chapter has now ended...

Reading on, watching the movie, I believe I am so much like Elizabeth Bennet. I have a sister like Lydia, who is a determined flirt, trying her best to be in public and making herself noticeable. My father is like Mr. Bennet, uncertain of the way to be there for us, but he is there. The love and fear for us, thinking who will take care of us once he can no longer do so. I have a mother like Mrs. Bennet, always fussing around not on the subject of marriage but more on the subject of losing weight and education. I have a sister like Jane, sensible, beautiful and like Jane, she never really shows me her true feelings.

I am much like Elizabeth. I am loud, opinionated, intelligent, independent and cleverness sometimes can be my enemy. I am very much like her, except i am not beautiful. I have a sensible head on my shoulder and i try not to let my heart rule my head. Propriety is something i have to work with, as i said, i am like Elizabeth, the 2010's version of her, that is.

Like Austen's book, Mr. Darcy was the only man worthy enough for Elizabeth in her father's eyes. Who will be worthy enough for me? Will i ever meet my own Mr. Darcy? I begin to wonder, is there such a Mr. Darcy for me? One who could match up to me with such audacity, spirit and love. I want that kind of love that left Mr. Darcy with the pained, longing expression every time he looked at her.

People say I am a hopeless romantic. Maybe i am... Maybe i have this warped perception of love and how it works. I maybe a fool for love but certainly not a fool. Love makes people do great things and go to many lengths to prove it. Like Mr. Darcy did, by helping Lydia and owning to the fact he was mistaken about Jane and helped fixed the relationship between Jane and Mr. Bingley. That is all i ask, a pure, sensible enactment of love...

The clever yet not handsome Ms. Lucas once said, "There are very few of us who have heart enough to be really in love without encouragement." I admit it, I am one of those people. I need encouragement and assurance...

To my future Mr. Darcy, I implore you to understand, I will love you with all my being, i will cherish you with all my love, all i ask of you is to show me your love and to encourage me, to be in love with you...

Outing..Outing..Lying..Lying...

Well...i suppose i should get ready to go out today. Going to see avatar with my family, halfheartedly.. I don't know..I feel restless..

Pertaining to what? Beats me.. A woman's mind works mysteriously.. When there's too much work to do, her mind stays focused. But when you have a lot of free time like me, your mind starts to wander off.. I hate that..

I love being in control of myself, my mind and my feelings. Makes me feel strong and empowered. But lately it's been feeling like an outer body experience...

I need to be getting ready..Going out at 3.45pm.. Will write more later...

This Distance ~ Dooriyan

Had a long talk with a dear friend about someone close at heart. If what she told me was true, then what ever i thought before was indeed the truth. Life is so funny, it plays out like a long, dragged out drama. Only mine's not funny... I feel this constant heart burn even when i'm not eating a pile of chillies. I constantly feel incomplete. It's something i don't understand, why and how could people who say they love someone, hurt them bad... It goes to show, i don't understand it myself but i too do it... Purposely hurting the one you love to prove a point, when you know it kills you to do it but you do it anyways... Why? Why are we so twisted? Can't love be simple?

This songs reminds me of the heart burn i told you guys about. The ache i feel all the time... It's in Hindi but there's translations if you want to know what it means. A dear friend asked me why all this fascination with Hindi songs? Well, read the translations and you will know why. They manage to capture the essence of a lot of things. In this case, the distance....

The scene : Saif's character loves Deepika's character to pieces. But a change in their career made the two decide to break it off, saying it was practical. They tried to remain friends but the love always gets in the way of their practicality. In the end, the practicality they hold dear so much, caused them pain.

The question now is, do you fight for the one you love or embrace practicality and be lonely and depressed forever?

I want to fight for the one i love, the question is will they let me?


Yeh doorian
This distance

Yeh doorian
This distance

In raho ki doorian
The distance between paths
Nigahon ki doorian
The distance between eyes
Humraho ki doorian
The distance between companions
Fanna ho sabhi doorian
All these distances should finish

Kyun koi paas hai,
Why someone is near,
door hai Kyun koi,
While someone is away?
jaane na koi yahan pe
Nobody knows this

Aa raha paas ya door mein Ja raha
Am I coming near or going far?
janoo na mein hu kahan pe
I don't know where I am going

Yeh doorian
In raho ki doorian
Nigahon ki doorian
Humraho ki doorian
Fanna ho sabhi doorian
Yeh doorian
Yeh doorian
Yeh doorian

Kabhi hua yeh bhi, khali rahon pe bhi
There was a time, Even on empty path
Tu tha mere saath ,
When you were with me

Kabhi tujhe milke, lauta mere dil yeh Khali khali haath
There was a time when after meeting you my heart
Returned empty handed
Yeh bhi huwa kabhi, jaise huwa abhi
This had happened
As if it has happened just now
Tujko sabhi mein paa liya
I found you in everything

Tera mujhe kar jathi hai doorian
The distances between us make's me your's
Satathi hai doorian
The distances torment me
Tarsathi hai doorian
The distances make me long
Fanna ho sabhi doorian
All these distances should finish.


Kaha bhi na main ne, nahin jeena main ne
I didn't tell you, That I won't live
Tu jo na mila
If I didn't get you

Tujhe bhule se bhi na bola na mein yeh bhi
Chahu fasala
I didn't even say this by mistake
That I want distance
Bas fasala rahe,
Now there is just distance
banke kasak jo kahe
Which say's in the form of pain
Ho aur chahat yeh jawan
That love should blossom

Teri meri mit jani hai doorian
Our distance will finish
Begani hai doorian
The distance is a stranger
Hat jani hai doorian
The distance will go
Fanna ho sabhi doorian
All these distances should finish

Kyun koi paas hai, door hai
Kyun koi jaane na , koi yahan pe
Aa raha paas ya door mein
Ja raha janoo na mein hu kahan pe

Yeh doorian
In raho ki doorian
Nigahon ki doorian
Humraho ki doorian
Fanna ho sabhi doorian
Yeh doorian yeh doorian yeh doorian…

The song that i love at the moment..

Tanhai - Dil Chahta Hai

The scene :

Aamir Khan plays Aakash, who doesn't believe in love. He thens meet a bubbly Preity Zinta who is the total opposite. He tries to convince her love is unnecessary and she does the opposite with him. One day, she took him to see an opera about two lovers separated because the hero has to go off to war. He died and was sent to heaven. He asked from god to let him come back for one day so that he can tell the heroin that he loves her with all his heart, even if this means he has to die 1000 deaths. Preity's character later tells Aakash to close his eyes and think of that one person that he would die 1000 deaths for. To his surprise, the woman he sees is Preity Zinta. Unfortunately, Preity's character is bethrothed. Aakash is heart broken..hence the song..

How does this applies to me :

Well, nothing radical like that lol. But i lost the love of my life, not by death but by ego and sellfishness... I love how this songs captures the essence of a broken heart...

Loneliness, loneliness
How I stumbled on the path of the heart
All my dreams broken, ash, despondency
All my happiness gone to sleep; my life, lost
In the love I had for you I found only a punishment...

Loneliness, loneliess, a vast expanse of loneliness

In a dream I had seen a sari hem in my hands
Now the shards of broken dreams pierce these eyes of mine
In a dream I had seen a sari hem in my hands
Now the shards of broken dreams pierce these eyes of mine
Yesterday someone was right here; now there is no one at all
It's as though, having become a snake, it twisted around my breath...

loneliness, loneliness
How many tears has it brought to my lashes
Loneliness, loneliness,
how many tears it has brought to my lashes

Why, when I hoped so hard, was that hope useless?
My goal had been set in the distance; then dusk fell on my path
Why, when I hoped so hard, was that hope so useless?
My goal had been set in the distance, and then dusk fell on my path
Why, when I hoped so hard, was that hope useless?

My goal had been set in the distance, and then dusk fell on my path
Now where shall I go; to whom shall I explain
what I had wanted, and why fate brought me
loneliness, loneliness

like the depths of darkness
How I stumbled on the path of my heart
All my dreams broken, ash, despondency
All my happiness gone to sleep; my life lost
In the love I had for you I found only a punishment...

Loneliness, loneliess, a vast expanse of loneliness
Loneliness...

Boredom caused the birth of my baby

No.

Not literally. Hi everyone. Today out of boredom i've created a blog for myself. A place of ranting, sighing, out loud thinking and procastinating. Eh, sounds depressive. Let this also be a place for joyous outburst, random thinking, lovey dovey mushy crap and of course a definite showcase of my awesome writing and graphics ability :P

In UiTM now...currently finishing up on my part time RA work. For those who don't know yet, I am destined to be a great doctor. Unfortunately, in all great stories of great people, there must be bumps and bruises, literally. I had my knee operated on for the second time for a medial meniscus tear. So right now, while waiting to join a new junior group, i am working part time. Joining a junior group...can u imagine? Me..one of the best student in my year, graduating later than my other friends...What crappy luck..Well it was my fault anyways..I walked in to my bathroom, not seeing the floor was soapy and wham!!! I did a split in 2 seconds...

I don't feel well today. No, not physically but emotionally. I have been feeling this empty void in me. A large gaping hole in my heart. Being single is hard, especially when you have been with someone for 5 years. Albeit it was a lot of ups and downs, more downs than ups. Loneliness makes you realize a lot of things and pain is one of them. *sighs...

At times i can't breathe when i think of this. I have such a melancholic life. My life story would be perfect for those looking to make a sappy romance novel or a tragic hindi movie lol!! If you are reading this and think, yeah, this kid fits my bill, then drop me a line! Together we'll make titanic look like kid's play :D