It's 4 a.m.

It's 4 a.m. and I can't sleep. Would probably contribute it to my off sleeping schedule since last week but truth be told, I have a lot on my mind these few days. There's this listlessness inside me. That one nagging feeling that stands between me and utter bliss. Don't ask me what because I have no clue. I know... I know... It could just be me making things up but lately, my mind keeps wandering back to my past which I swore to myself is now in the past. I remember my past A LOT. Because I have a lot of sadness and pain there and pain is a great teacher. I look at my past not with anger or resentment now, but rather with a quiet acknowledgment that I was hurting there and the people that hurt me are those people that I love or loved.

What I feel now is what I describe as surrendering pain. You know that pain and realization that you don't have the juice or energy to go on even though you have been fighting so hard? That one moment of pain before you say, FUCK IT, I'm done? I feel that, every single day of my life. It's not that bad for me to want to kill myself but it's there nevertheless. Makes existing a hell of an annoying thing to do. I carry on with this fake countenance of calm and happiness. Well, not happiness... I  don't laugh as much or even smile a lot anymore. There's this pain inside me... In the pit of my soul but I can't describe it nor can I tell anyone. Why? Because you don't know my family...

I can never get two sentences out about how I feel before I get shot down or my problems deemed not tragic enough to be paid some attention to. I feel lost... As if I'm only existing, rather than being alive... Everyone is so oblivious to the pain I have inside. So when I act out like I did a few months back, I'm deemed impatient or borderline crazy. I'm 26 years old and for the past 13 years of my life, I'm the only friend I have. You would say I would be the strongest person you know. You're right but sometimes, I need someone taking care of me. I guess I'm  just tired... My soul needs a long overdue vacation.

I honesty cannot remember when I was last, truly happy. It's so true what people say, once you're touched by pain, you'll never be the same. I can feel myself closing up, being cynical. I am so tired of reaching out. Because most of the time the people I reach out to don't even notice I am trying to reach out to them. For once, I would appreciate it very much if someone would reach their hand out for me to grab... because Lord knows, I need it...